14 August 2011


Twelve Things about Tooth Fairy

12. There is another movie with the title The Tooth Fairy (and a third whose title includes the words Darkness Falls) that I'd be reviewing instead if this were an ideal world. All I have to say for myself is that I was baby-sitting and couldn't watch what I wanted . . . although there is nothing that could make me want the one I watched. =P

11. Well, I did like the word play here. Even before Derek Thompson becomes one of many winged Tooth Fairies, he is the Tooth Fairy of minor league hockey. It's the kind of nickname you end up with when you can hit other players hard enough to knock out a tooth or two.

What I find most interesting, however, are the puns . . . "You can't handle the tooth! And that's the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth!" You'll find a lot of teeth in this movie, you see, but it's a challenge to spot the truths.

10. What? Think I'm being too hard on a movie that doesn't pretend to be more than a low-grade Fantasy?

I believe that fantastic elements and universal truths can (and should) co-exist in fiction. And well, the first problem with Tooth Fairy is that even its own fantasy elements can't co-exist with each other.

Seriously, are these the Fakest Wings Ever or what?

Whether they're CGI or actual costumes, they're equally bad.

9. But I must give credit to the writer who thought up the joke that is so self-aware it's almost meta.

We hear it during the scene when Derek is trying to bond with his girlfriend's two children. He sticks french fries in his mouth for fake fangs and manages to amuse the little girl. Her teenage brother isn't so impressed. And when Derek starts bragging about being "The Tooth Fairy" again, the boy retorts:

"I thought you were a vampire. You've got some inconsistent mythology."

ROFL!!! Yeah, you tell him, kid!

8. I know you don't really like it when I get too deep on you, so I've boiled what would have been a two-hour lecture into three salient points:

a) I don't care how gullible you think your audience is: mythology should always be your first concern.
b) You're already a poor excuse for an artist if, for even one second, you think of your audience as "gullible."
c) There is nothing like mucked up mythology for mass consumption to let you know that you're living in an age of unbelief.

7. Speaking of mythology, I wonder if any of the actors agreed to be in this because The Santa Clause did so well with a similar formula all those years ago. (Not that there's any other comparison: The Santa Clause actually puts serious effort into world building, although it doesn't come off as serious itself.)

6. Now what is it with Action Star Au Pairs (See my Top Five List!) and single mothers? Is there no other way to explain how some tough guy who wouldn't normally be around kids has several in his life?

Then again, it's logical for fiction. Unless the children are also orphans, they'll need two parents . . . and the tough guy character--even one as juvenile as Derek is here--simply makes a father character redundant. (It might also have something to do with the furies of single motherhood wanting to make all fathers redundant.)

5. Back to the mythology (or what passes for it) . . .

It is after Derek almost tells a little girl that there's no such thing as a tooth fairy that he finds--under his pillow, of course--a Disbelief in Fairy Summons. It is the beginning of his "community service" from hell fairy land--and the point at which I asked myself, "Why can't they just fall down dead when someone says he doesn't believe in them, like in Peter Pan?"

4. But Derek is a "disseminator of disbelief" in more than one way. At the start of the movie, he tells a little boy who has asked for his autograph that the boy, third highest scorer in his little league, has little to no chance at being drafted for a Major League Hockey team.

"Lower your expectations. That's how you're going to be happy."

Having survived my quarter life crisis, I think it's actually good advice. But here it's tainted by a grown man wanting to show up a little kid who has just bruised his ego . . . and completely overwhelmed by that dogma of Family Friendly Films that dreaming big is good.

3. You know what's really ironic, though? Expectations don't get any more unrealistic than putting a milk tooth under your pillow and expecting to get money for it.

Some fantasies probably do deserve to be crushed--and I'm not saying this to be mean.

2. But I already feel mean, so I'll say now that there was one point at which the movie got me to suspend everything but pure enjoyment.

The scene in which Derek takes control of the puck and looks to make his first shot in years had me screaming as loudly as the fans at the rink. I was so into it that the kid I was watching this with thought I had suddenly gone nuts. (Not that I'm ruling out that possibility.)

1. When the movie finally ended (and I had finished explaining to my young charge why telling a Julie Andrews character that you've brought her "some of her favourite things" is hilarious), I found myself wishing for some amnesia dust to erase the memory of the last 101 minutes.

And then I realised that forgetting I had seen this movie might lead to me seeing it again. =P

Image Source: The Tooth Fairy DVD, b) Fakest Wings Ever 1, c) Fakest Wings Ever 2


Belfry Bat said...

At the very least, #6 suggests we still know that a mother left single is an injustice (or at least a tragedy) that cries to heaven (dii in machinae?) to be corrected.

Jenny said...

I want to watch a movie with you...Just not this one. You're thoughts were enough. ;)

Sullivan McPig said...

I really liked this movie: it's silly, it's bad, it's really, really wrong, but I think those things are what make it entertaining.

Enbrethiliel said...


Belfry Bat -- You are far too generous with that trope (says this pessimist)!

Single mother as damsel in distress is one thing, but single mother as "strong" romantic heroine--and the one who rescues the hero--is quite another!

Jenny -- Thank you! Definitely not this one, though. ;-)

Sully -- Don't I know what you mean! There are many "bad" movies I really, really like; and I kind of hoped Tooth Fairy would be one of them. But it just didn't hit that "so wrong it's right spot for me. =(

Syrin said...

I've enjoyed Dwayne Johnson since I went through my WWE phase around the turn of the century, but even I wouldn't sit down to watch this. :)

As far as #6, I think in this day and age it is perfectly logical. While a man (particularly a sports star like this) could reach that age unmarried or at least childless, chances are the majority of the women he would date would be divorced and most likely also have children.

Belfry Bat said...

I see. So, basically, she's got a new (big) kid to take care of?

Ah, well...

Enbrethiliel said...


Syrin -- Yeah, I'm sure the statistics bear it out. Come to think of it, although I have a working knowledge of tropes in pop culture, I have absolutely no insight into the romantic lives of professional athletes!

Bat -- EXACTLY! =D

(For those who need further illustration, I present . . . Exhibit A: Derek's use of shrinking paste during a game to sabotage and humiliate a rookie who has been cocky with him. That's so grade school playground.)

Enbrethiliel said...


PS -- Syrin, what do you think of The Game Plan? The trailer makes it look more promising than this one, but I haven't seen it yet.

antiaphrodite said...

Seriously, are these the Fakest Wings Ever or what?

Those things look more like a pair of fuzzy ears.

Syrin said...

I avoided The Game Plan too. I swear Vince McMahon must require his more popular wrestlers to star in these horrible things.. or maybe Hollywood thinks that since Hulk Hogan once did it, they can do it for the others too. :P I preferred him in Be Cool, Southland Tales, and the Mummy movies. Still haven't seen the latest Fast & the Furious but I want to catch it eventually.

In looking that up I realized he was born one day (and 9 years) before me. How cool. I've always liked him because he seems to have a much more down to earth personality than a lot of other wrestlers or action movie stars.

lisa :) said...

I haven't seen the movie, but on the Fakest Wings ever point, those are pretty bad. I think I've seen better ones in kids' costume shops.

Does he actually fly with them? Because that would take it from bad to really, really bad.

Enbrethiliel said...


Antiaphrodite -- I was going to say that they're not that bad, but then . . . ;-) LOL!

Syrin -- He is very down to earth and charming. =) I think that's why I came to like him, too, despite having been initially put off by his wrestler background. (I didn't go through a WWE phase at all! =P) But projects like Tooth Fairy just make no sense. (There are many scenes that made me think the director was a sadistic bastard with a very personal vendetta.) Okay, Billy Crystal and Julie Andrews are in this, too, but this is a case in which everyone really could have done better.

Lisa -- The wings reminded me of my own angel wings, which my mother made for a nativity play! LOL!

And of course he flies. How could he not??? ;-)

Lesa said...

This movie has been watched in my house but I'm thinking I didn't attend too well.. maybe I was reading or maybe I just wandered off. My little boy only watched this once-- that says alot cause he will watch a movie over and over and over.

Enbrethiliel said...


It really says a lot! Children make the best/worst critics.