26 July 2010

+JMJ+

Twelve Things about Jaws: The Revenge

12. The very mention of it will make one's stock go up in Horror and B-movie blogging circles. How could I not review it?

11. "It came for him. It waited all this time and then came for him." A shark that commits premeditated murder? Hey, why not? But a shark that somehow knows it has to stalk its prey from Amity Island all the way to the Bahamas? Prey that travels by land and by air? Even I have my B-movie credulity limits, thanks.

10. And well, okay, I'm a little upset about the tropical setting. For the first few minutes, I thought I was going to get a cozy Christmas-set creature feature. Christmas on Amity Island, people!!! The caroling children drowning out the screams of the first kill were priceless.

Yes, it's still set during Christmastide . . . but the main setting makes one wonder why they bothered at all.

9. And now for something that makes me glad I sat through the whole thing .. .


vs. JawsRevenge poster

or

Ellen Ripley vs. Ellen Brody
[Universal studio head] Sid Sheinberg pushed hard for an Ellen Brody-centric Jaws sequel after industry buzz began to build around [Sigourney] Weaver's performance in Aliens and the possibility of an Oscar nomination. If anything, it clearly convinced Sheinberg and his wife Lorraine Gary [who plays Ellen Brody] that a Jaws movie could be made featuring a "violent episode of woman versus nature" as its climax while Roy Scheider, Richard Dreyfuss, Amity Island, and even the titular shark itself were relegated to secondary roles.

If I hadn't watched Jaws: The Revenge, I would never have read and appreciated that production analysis. Good stuff!

And now for the rest of my own piddling analysis of why Jaws: The Revenge doesn't even begin to approach the grandeur that is Aliens . . .

8. Our featured film includes a scene in which one of the characters tries to evade the shark by weaving in and out of an underwater wreck. And all I could think was that both Disney's Little Mermaid and Pixar's Finding Nemo did it better and more believably. Which means that Jaws: The Revenge was "pwn3d" not by one, but by two animated features.

7. And then there's that whole unbelievable selachian vendetta thing, which is second only in craziness to the fact that there is no Latin-root adjective for "shark-like." Even "selachian" means "of or having to do with rays or sharks"--which is not the same thing. Perhaps I should stick to "sharky"?

6. But I loved Michael Caine in this one! The man is made of magic. They could have got him to play the shark and had a better movie.

5. Yet not even Caine's presence could make up for Roy Scheider's absence. Martin Brody is to killer sharks what Ellen Ripley is to killer aliens.

And no, those flashbacks don't count.

4. Now, to be fair to Ellen Brody, I asked my mother: "If members of your family were attacked by sharks three times in the past, and then your youngest son was finally killed by one, would you think that sharks were after you?"

She said: "Yes, I would be completely paranoid."

So there!

But I'm not really sure what I just proved to myself . . .

3. I also liked the sandcastle Ellen and her little granddaughter built, and Ellen's teaching her to put a deep moat around it so that it won't collapse when the tide comes in. That could have been a metaphor for not just this movie, but also the entire Brody family's selachian saga (Bwahahahahahahahaha!) . . . but of course it wasn't.

2. And so I sat through the rest of the movie desperately trying to find some metaphorical comment on the human condition . . . or man's relationship to nature . . . or (given the premise) on women in the modern world . . . or anything, really. Silly me . . .

1. I can't find the actual ending of the theatrical release, but the alternative ending captures, in under sixty seconds, everything about this movie that makes me feel the way I do.



Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! ROFLMAO!!!!!!!

Image Sources: a) Jaws: The Revenge DVD, b) Jaws: The Revenge poster, c) Aliens poster

13 comments:

christopher said...

Duuuude (ma'am), I watched two movies last night on Netflix - Macbeth and Jaws. I found two Macbetth references on two other blogs today and now you wih your Jaws one... synchronicity at its finest, although I'm glad there's no "Macbeth: the Revenge" that you can post on LOL!

"Yet not even Caine's presence could make up for Roy Scheider's absence." - excellent.

Cheers.

The Mike said...

I have actually never seen this one, or any of the Jaws sequels. But you make it look quite awesome.

Sullivan McPig said...

As for point 8: I think it's rather pointless to weave in and out of a wreck to get rid of a shark that already proved it can track people who travel by air and on land.

ninjapeps said...

I have never watched a single Jaws movie and my knowledge of the franchise is limited to "we're gonna need a bigger boat" and that the shark's name is Bruce. that being said, they really expected you to believe that a shark had a vendetta? really, now? some people might not find it so unbelievable, though.

Enbrethiliel said...

+JMJ+

@ Christopher: Your life must be amazing. =P

I really should do a Jaws marathon one of these days. But only the ones with Scheider.

@ The Mike: Really? LOL! I must be a better writer than I thought. ;-)

@ Sully: True! But our smart shark got a little too enthusiastic for its own good and ended up getting stuck in the wreck (like the one in The Little Mermaid--LOL!), which gave the diver time to get away. =P

(Yes, this is one of those movies . . .)

@ Peppy: If I ever find a boxed set of the first three movies at a bargain, I'll invite you over.

And, yes, of course they expect you to believe that a shark of no established relation to the three sharks of the first three movies could have a vendetta against a family that it could track over land and air. Don't ask silly questions, Peppy!

christopher said...

The first R movie I ever saw was with Roy Scheider. My brother told my mom he was taking me to see Return of the Jedi, I think, and instead we saw Blue Thunder.

"Your life must be amazing. =P " - because I watched two movies last night?

Enbrethiliel said...

+JMJ+

I was referring to the synchronicities and the fact that you know me--and oh, never mind!

EegahInc said...

I was an assistant manager at a theater when this came out. This was the one and only time I ever had a customer come out and demand a refund because the movie stunk so bad.

I gave it to him.

ninjapeps said...

seems the justification for the shark was a voodoo curse. really now?

Enbrethiliel said...

+JMJ+

@ Eegahinc: I wouldn't have argued with him, either!

How long did the movie run at your theatre after that?

@ Peppy: Voodoo, aye? But is that canon? LOL!!!

ninjapeps said...

if the novelization counts as canon, then yes.

unrelated: The Expendables still doesn't have a local release date. clickthecity has next attractions listed until September and it's not there. no release date is mentioned on IMDB, either. this is unacceptable.

EegahInc said...

I can't remember if it was a one-weeker, or if we held it over for a second week because there was nothing coming out to replace it. The record for shortest run actually goes to the Howie Mandel mega-flop Walk Like A Man which we opened on a Wednesday and was gone by Friday.

Enbrethiliel said...

+JMJ+

@ Peppy: Novelisation is canon only if you're George Lucas and need to fill all your gaping plot holes before someone else drives another articulated front loader through them.

@ Eegahinc: Why am I strangely relieved that Jaws: The Revenge didn't have the most ignominious run on your theatre's record? It can't be growing on me . . . can it? =S