27 November 2009

+JMJ+

Thirteen Things about The Twilight Saga: New Moon

13) Last year, even my friends who thought Stephenie Meyer's novel Twilight was dumb were willing to watch the movie. This year, I couldn't hustle a single one of them to watch New Moon with me. It should have been my first clue, you know . . .

12) "You give me everything by just breathing." -- Edward to Bella

Yes, that is an actual line from the movie. All scenes with Edward just careened downhill after that. I don't know how Robert Pattinson can stand to look at himself in the mirror every morning.

11) "Since when are you into motorcycles?" -- Jacob to Bella

Since she turned into a heartless, people-using tease with deviant desires. That's when! -- Enbrethiliel to Jacob


10) "Without Jake, I can't feel Edward any more." -- Bella

WHISKEY TANGO FOXTROT!!! Can't she hear herself??? This is exactly what I mean.

So now I must ask . . . Does anyone like her? Anyone at all? ANYONE???

(Except all the boys in Forks, that is, who are inexplicably drawn to her like moths to a flame.)

9) Now, about the boys . . . Am I the only one in the world who thinks that actors should keep their shirts on in movies???

8) Bad editing: they left Bella's camera in the story, but not her reason for taking so many pictures and not the scene in which Bella opens the scrapbook to find certain pictures gone. A bit pointless, really.

7) Speaking of pointless, I don't know why they bothered with the lines from Romeo and Juliet.

"These violent delights have violent ends . . ." That's the opening line! Can you believe it?!

Well, okay, I really liked the span of different faces in the classroom when they were watching Romeo and Juliet in English class. Jessica and Angela were visibly moved; Eric was openly weeping; Mike was falling asleep . . . and Bella and Edward were too absorbed in each other to look at the screen. The contrast really helped cement in my mind, at that early point, that Bella is a loser and Edward is a tool.

6) Accordingly, I don't see what was gained by turning all of Edward and Bella's classmates into shallow caricatures. One really good thing about Twilight (both the movie and the book) was the way it underlined Bella's choice between the normal human world of high school and the quasi-Mormon world of vampires. (Oh, is my bias showing?)

In the first movie, there is a poignant sense of loss in the scene in which Bella and Edward are speeding away from Forks, and Bella gets a brief glimpse of her classmates spending their Saturday evening hanging out and laughing together . . . It is a world she has said goodbye to, and it does hurt her, even though she doesn't regret her decision to be with Edward.

None of that--nothing of what once made Bella human--is to be found in New Moon. This second movie turns Jessica into a second-rate Valley girl and Mike into a wimp with a bad stomach, making Bella's choice a "no-brainer" in favour of the vampires . . . which doesn't really do the vampires any favours, either.

5) In short, replacement director Chris Weitz blew it. (Bring Catherine Hardwicke back!!!)

4) "You know, sometimes, you gotta learn to love what's good for you." -- Chief Swan to Bella

That must be the best, most anti-Emo line in the whole movie. It's also completely wasted on Bella. After watching the movie, I remembered one thing that really bugged me about her character in the novel: how callously--even cruelly--she treats her own father.

3) WORST MOMENT EVER: the penultimate scene when Edward and Jacob meet in the forest and try to fight over Bella . . . and she jumps between them and says, "When you fight each other, you only hurt me!"

Bloody hell, Bella! LET THEM FIGHT! It's the logical climax of a story about a centuries-old conflict between vampire and werewolf--and the perfect ending for a movie whose first line is about violent delights and violent ends! We need VIOLENCE!!!

Your being an Emo loser is bad enough, Bella. Why do you have to be a politically correct Emo loser on top of it? What lies between vampires and werewolves is bigger than you--and believe it or not, it's cool.

2) Then again, unlike the book, at least the movie doesn't have Bella asking, "What did I do to deserve this?" If it had, I would have completely lost it in the movie theatre.

1) Shredded Cheddar is now officially on TEAM JACOB! [UPDATE: Sorry, Jacob, but as of 22 October 2013, I've decided to openly side with humans on "Team Charlie"!]

Image Source: The Twilight Saga: New Moon poster

26 comments:

ninjapeps said...

technically, even New Moon was Team Jacob. at least in the book, just about every scene with Bella and Jacob together showed just how much better they complimented each other than Bella and Edward. for one thing, they act like they have personalities.

and then Meyer had Jacob practically sexually assault Bella in Eclipse because the sparkly, controlling vampire stalker is part her OTP.

Enbrethiliel said...

+JMJ+

I also always thought that Spike had better chemistry with Buffy than that proto-Emo Angel ever did.

What is wrong with these Vampire Romance writers???

christopher said...

Two questions - I've read you're whole post and ... what's team Jacob? and there is a werewolf in this?

Enbrethiliel said...

+JMJ+

There is a love triangle involving Bella, Edward (the vampire), and Jacob (who has turned out to be werewolf). Fans who like the Bella/Edward pairing belong to "Team Edward"; those who prefer the Bella/Jacob pairing (or who just can't stand Edward, as I do) belong on "Team Jacob".

And the werewolves are the best thing about the whole movie! I swear!!!

antiaphrodite said...

Two questions - I've read you're whole post and ... what's team Jacob? and there is a werewolf in this?

I envy your ignorance. Intensely.

And of course werewolves shred vampire butt. Their canines are the real deal!!! Not that I care much about werewolves either. These so-called dark creatures aren't all that interesting, really, as characters and/or potential lovers.

And there goes my goth cred.

antiaphrodite said...

(or who just can't stand Edward, as I do) belong on "Team Jacob"

Well, there's Team Jasper. Gaaah!!! By rights I ought to know nothing about any of this!!!

Enbrethiliel said...

+JMJ+

Team Jasper???!!! Ewwwwww! Who told you that you could bring these nightmare-inducing fanwanks into my comments boxes?!?!

Archistrategos said...

On my way home from school today, I stopped by the nearest Starbucks to grab a cup of coffee, when a blood-curdling noise screeched out of nowhere, making me almost spit out my coffee from the surprise. It turned out to be a gaggle of tween girls and one gay guy going 'tili' over Taylor Lautner. OMGosh. My younger sister herself was a Twihard for a few months, before the first film was released, but she just hates the whole thing now. I'll never understand that level of 'fandemonium', LOL.

antiaphrodite said...

Who told you that you could bring these nightmare-inducing fanwanks into my comments boxes?!?!

Well of course no one did! But they were giving me nightmares--and not the fun kind, at all--so I knew I had share them with y'all.

christopher said...

wow...

Antiaphrodite: "I envy your ignorance. Intensly" - not the first time (nor the last I'm sure) I've heard that. It's easier when you don't watch TV :-}

ninjapeps said...

@Christopher: not watching TV won't save you from the truly awful books the movie came from. :p

antiaphrodite said...

It's easier when you don't watch TV :-}

Alas, as mentioned, my first encounter with Twilight had nothing to do with TV. I actually don't see the trailers that much on TV, and I don't watch the shows that typically cover this type of phenomenon. I became familiar with it through newspapers, billboards, the Internet, and *sigh* certain people outside cyberspace.

christopher said...

LOL Unless they start to advertise these movies (or books) in the Angelus Press catalogs or on the walls of Saint Mary's Cathedral, I'm still not likely to know much about them; I get most of my modern pop-culture knowledge from Shredded Cheddar!

Enbrethiliel said...

+JMJ+

Well! I'm glad to see that everyone has been getting along so well in my absence! =)

Archistrategos: You'll have to find out how your sister was cured of the madness! If we can isolate the cause and bottle it, we'll make a fortune!

Antiaphrodite: It really doesn't take a TV, does it? =P I became familiar with Twilight about a year and a half ago, thanks (no thanks?) to my besotted, brainwashed students. If Christopher's daughters were only a few years older . . .

Then again . . .

Christopher: Didn't you say that even Taylor Swift wasn't on your radar, until I started promoting her incessantly?

In any case, consider Shredded Cheddar your crash course in all things Twilight! =D

Ninjapeps: As long as I don't start quoting lengthy passages from the novels, Christopher is still sort of safe.

(Now when did this comments thread become about protecting Christopher's innocence?)

antiaphrodite said...

It really doesn't take a TV, does it? =P

I think the only non-trailer feature I saw of it on TV was when I was on a bus. A local talk show had an "exclusive" interview with the actors. I almost wept in my seat.

Enbrethiliel said...

+JMJ+

Hahahahahaha! Oh, gosh! That's so funny!

Poor you. ;-)

antiaphrodite said...

(Now when did this comments thread become about protecting Christopher's innocence?)

I dunno; at any rate, while I believe we must protect the innocent, we must also prepare them for the harsh realities of the world.

I get most of my modern pop-culture knowledge from Shredded Cheddar!

So listen and beware! You may yet spare yourself our cruel fate!

antiaphrodite said...

Hahahahahaha! Oh, gosh! That's so funny!

Yes, though it really didn't fell that way at the time :-S

Poor you. ;-)

Story of my life.

Enbrethiliel said...

+JMJ+

Hmmmm. It is starting to sink in that my most effective comment generator so far is Twilight! Now I feel as if I'm biting the hand that feeds me . . . almost like James bit Bella's hand.

Aaaauugh! Where are these Twilight references coming from??? Make them stop!!!

antiaphrodite said...

almost like James bit Bella's hand.

But that's kind of a pleasant visual to dwell on.

iolanthe95 said...

Enbrethiliel, if you have a chance, take a look at my vampire posts over at my livejournal. I'm interested in your opinion.

ninjapeps said...

when I get home, I'll post the link to Cleolinda's New Moon post from Movies in 15 Minutes.

Enbrethiliel said...

+JMJ+

Iolanthe: I've just opened your blog in another tab. =) You'll hear from me soon.

ninjapeps said...

New Moon in 15 Minutes.

word verification: bulate.

Jillian said...

"When you fight each other, you only hurt me!"
Bella, we do0nn't freakinggg careeee!!!

Oh and Enbrethiliel, I agreee so0o mucho about Spike-Buffy!

Man, this Twilight/NewMoon stuff is not helping my spelling at all. This is what happens when I get annoyed with 'girls-who-make-boys-inexplicably-drawn-to-her-like-moths to a flame.' Hmm..

Enbrethiliel said...

+JMJ+

Bella doesn't need us to care. We're just girls. What does she want with us when all the guys of the world are falling all over themselves to worship her? She only goes out with monsters, though, so sorry to the regular joes . . .